Every time I try and sleep, my mind keeps racing. It's like NASCAR. One thought goes zooming by, then more and more, until I'm back at the front line again. Endless cycle of left turns. Always ending and beginning in the same place. Sleepless nights. Helpless thoughts. I can't help but think of other people. My situation. Comparing my situations to theirs. Angering myself at the fact that I AM the strong one. Everyone wishing me well makes me want to gag. That's all they do.  Never extending a helpful gesture. Never communicating anything about me and what MY situations are like.  Always whining about thier situations. Asking ME for advice in thier lives. I'm always fetching for them. Being the cheuffer. The provider. The strong one. The hero of thier emotions. Thier lives. My life to nothing. I feel unaccomplished. Weak. Pathetic. Gullable. I show. not my emotions, but my logic. I cannot show my emotions for logic consumes me to keep my emotions from overrunning me and destroying everything in it's path.

My mind races. Constantly. Missing what it could of had. Cherishing what I never thought. Bludgoning my pitiful soul as everyone around me just takes care of thier own, then rely on me to "help" out when they are in need. The stress that presses upon my heart. My heart beating so hard trying to keep up. All I feel is loss. I am lost. I do not know who I am anymore. I dont know who I want to be. I want to be me. I want to be myself. I want to be there for everyone as my kind heart has shown me. I have so much to give.

What about me? It's about everyone else's wants. Thier needs. Thier desires. Thier constant bickering over thier pitiful excuses. What about me? I am there to hear thier bickerness. I am there to help them through thier problems. Yet, I sit here alone through the worst time in my life. No one to be here for me. No one to take care of me when I am in need. Just 'keep working and get better". I have no one to come home to. No one to care for me. No one to hold me while I am sick. No one truly be there for me.

Love has no meaning for me. Love is like a supermodel. You never know whats fake.

~J

5:08am MST

Well, the last two days have been work days. I had been exhausted and sore from working myself to the bone on Sunday. I woke up Monday morning for work and realized that it was difficult to move. Not just soreness, but utter exhaustion. And, to add to all of that, my knee was hurting me.

>>Background of knee problem<<
April 3, 2007, I got into a car accident. I t-boned a car full of people (in a rental car no less) doing 40mph. Apparently he was making a left hand turn (coming from the opposite direction) onto a side street.  3 Lanes on each side. 2 lanes were blocked with traffic. I pulled into the right lane as my street was coming up. No cars in that lane all the way down. "Kudos" I thought. He cut into the stopped traffic and never bothered to look at the 3rd lane...pulled out. By the time I saw him, it was too late.  I had about a split second to put on my brakes and then braced myself for the impact. One thing that made it all worse...was my seat belt.  I didn't lock up. My chest hit the steering wheel, and my knee smashed into the bottom of the dash. At the time, the most pain I felt was my upper chest. After the ambulance arrived, I scooted out of my crumpled car at the request of the medics. I then realized that my knee was hurt, and was bleeding. I sat on the curb and gave my statement then went to the hospital. 

Well..after it was all said and done, I kept having knee pain even after I removed the stitches 2 weeks later. A month passed. Two months. Still having knee pain.  Finally I saw a doctor. He said go to physical therapy.  I did that for over 4 months...didn't help a damned thing. Then, my medical insurance went bye bye...so...no more doctor visits. 

Eventually the pain subsided for a long time.  The only time it would become uncomfortable is if I stood in one place for an extended period of time without moving around. Then I moved to Colorado.  I bought myself a bicycle to ride to work since I only work 4 miles from home.  After about 3 weeks or so of riding my bike, my knee pain came back...since then...it has been back.  I stopped riding my bike. Still there.  Muscle weakness was my main problem followed by swelling below the knee cap. The swelling felt like mush.  When it got very cold for several days, my knee pain subsided. Then returned. New symptoms.  Sometimes weakness, sometimes stiffness...there were a couple of occasions of actual knee pain. Throbbing of sorts.  But it would change its position. Below, above, around. No swelling as of yet.   Often I wake up with either pain, or stiffness.  Usually I go to work and after a couple hours, it subsides since all I do is walk around at work. I try not to stand too long as it will become uncomfortable.
>><<

Well, yesterday after going to work, I realized why I was so ridiculously tired and had little strength compared to what I normally had. And since I was lifting heavy boxes all day, I could tell a difference.  I usually have a Dr. Pepper in the morning when I get to work. Since I don't drink coffee, it's the next best thing to a caffeine jolt in the morning. It didn't even phase me.   When lunch time came around, I decided that I thought I needed to eat, because I realized that I wasn't eating as much as I should be with the amount of "working out" I had been doing.  Having one tiny meal a day wasn't helping.  I usually don't eat lunch as I don't want to spend money.  Usually I eat breakfast, but as of late, I haven't been.  The dinner has been small and not well proportioned to 3 people. I also haven't been that hungry. Stress I presume. So, lunch time came, I ate as much carbohydrates as I could get.  I was going to need it to survive stocking the rest of the day. Lifting heavy boxes, pulling ridiculously heavy pallets...etc. 

I made a joke at Taylana yesterday as she was lifting a box that I had no problem lifting when she was struggling just to get it past her waist...she tries though. "I know why you keep me around...cause I'm strong like ARNOLD!" and flexed my muscles. She laughed so hard and nearly dropped the box of windshield wiper fluid that had 6 bottles in it. I grabbed it and threw it on top of a pallet that was nearly over my head and proceeded to laugh with her. Laughter is as addicting as yawning.

I also noticed something strange about Trevor these past two days after Saturday's closing chit chat. He's been coming around me lately...as if to make an appearance...crack a joke..then proceed to whatever he was doing.  He looks at me like he's never looked at me before. I can't explain it, but it's definitely out of the ordinary. It's like he takes the time to chat with me or make a joke.  Maybe Saturday's closing ordeal actually got him to think of me more then just a co-worker that wasn't around much.  Maybe it's because he didn't really talk to me. Get to know me.  I dunno, but I can't pinpoint it. I'm trying to figure him out. I catch myself thinking about it at odd times. I notice things that are out of the ordinary. Wonder about it. Wonder why. It could be very subtle, and I'll notice it.  Guess I know him a little better as well. I don't like him in that sexual way.  But I find it intriguing that he seems to act a little differently around me. Maybe he knows it. Maybe he doesn't. I don't consider anyone at work my friend. No one has my phone number except my bosses. You give your phone number to friends. You hang out. Go out places. Chat. Things like that.   I do none of that with anyone.  I don't mix business with pleasure. Even the good looking guy at work that only says hello to me in passing. I look, but I don't undress him with my eyes. I think nothing of it.

Guess that makes me good at my job.  I don't cloud myself with sexual innuendo or flirtatious tidbits. Business is business. Keep your problems at home. After Ron died, I returned to work the next day. I was hurt, but I couldn't stop doing my job. He wouldn't of wanted me to stop on his behalf. I knew him better then anyone. His own family didn't know him. Guess in a way, I felt like I was protecting people when being a security guard at a club. Keeping people safe. Guess that's why I was there for so long.  I like to help people.  It's what I always wanted.  I care about people.  Even people I didn't really care for. People I hated. There was always some part of me that still cared. Guess that's why I have let people walk over me. People I loved. I cared too much for them.

I just wish that the favor was returned once in a while.

First off, I have a job at a fancy-upscale retail center known as Wal-mart. My current and official job title is "Tire & Lube Service Technician". However, you will soon find out that this is not always the case. Some of this is going to be background added in, so you know who is who. Now that we got that covered...on with today.

I began work at noon today as I was asked to switch my shift with Dominick (another co-worker..technician in training). He's a big guy...seems friendly and has a good sense of humor. He's around 5'9 or 6 feet tall...and nearly has no hair as he likes to shave it.  His age seems around mid 20's..but that I am unsure of...never got around to asking. However, he does get on my nerves sometimes...and trying to be a good co-worker without being demanding and bossy as a manager, I try to teach him while making it seem half-joking. Most of the time, he doesn't do what I ask when it comes to being proper at his job since he is still relatively new. He seems to have the I-don't-really-care type attitude sometimes. Kind of unnerving.

I began my day in the shop. I was doing what we call "uppers". That means I was working in the engine compartment...doing simple things like, checking/filling oil, power steering fluid, washer fluid, testing the battery, checking/filling transmission fluid and checking the air filter. Once I was finished with that car, Taylana (who is our newest "Merchandise Supervisor" but also doubles as a "Department Manager" for Automotive), said she needed to steal me away. Taylana stand about 5'4, very petite, and has shorter hair then me (probably about a #5 hair cut all around from clippers).  Great personality, and for once...actually gets things done. We joke around a lot while we work. Takes the edge off the stress and B.S. we both have to put up with.

Taylana asks me to fill the "features". Basically they are shelves that we stuff a lot of product on because we have so much and we sell out of it a lot. I take a 6 wheeled flat cart to Garden Center where a lot of our bulk items are stored. I stop and say hi to a fellow co-worker and then comment on the Christmas setup they have started...I shoot out a few ideas to make it look better, then off I went to grab merchandise to be stocked.

As I was stocking, Josh came up to bum a smoke from me (as he always does). He recently paid me back by buying me a pack of my favorite smokes...then proceeded to bum off me 2 days later...go figure. Josh is also the Department Manager for the Photo Lab. He's very tall...around 6'4 or so. Not fat, but not skinny either. He seems to have taken an interest in me since we usually have the same lunch break at the same time. I'll explain more about Josh later. Well, I take my break with Josh since I was due for one anyways and we went outside and had our smoke.  I went back in after my break, gave Alison (the current cashier at the time) a break. She is about my height..around 5'6, long black hair and has a dark tan. She has a good personality, but that girl has more problems then I could handle.  I'll get into that at a later time as well.

After playing Tech, Stock, and Cashier, I was sent by Assistant Manager Don to trade out an impatient customers frozen foods for some that wern't so thawed. Now I have become something like "Grocery Claims Requisition" person.  After returning, again, I was sent back out into the shop. Two cars later, I was again...sent back in to cashier while alison took her lunch. Taylana came and saved me from my peril and relieved me for my lunch 30 minutes later.

After my lunch, I returned to the shop for the remainder of my shift.  While closing up shop (cleaning and such), it was just Me, Trevor, and Trent.  Trent is about my height. His face was damaged by an early stage of puberty. Full of potholes in his face. Don't think theres a part of his skin that has a smooth spot on it. He has a decent body, but his attitude is is very junior-high. He lacks comebacks when someone says something to him.  He also gets angry very easily.  Toleratable, as I have delt with far worse things then a chidish reaction to everything. More explainations on him later.   Trevor...when I first met him when I began working there nearly 6 months ago, he was a decent looking guy.  He's got some muscle tone in his arms and theighs. Lacks a little work in the chest, though. He stands about 6'1 and knows more about cars then most of the techs there. To my understanding, he has a second job he works full time at...don't remember what it was. Other then his looks, his personality didn't sit well with me. Again, toleratable. He came off as an ass of sorts. He likes to talk a lot of trash, but he gets the job done. Sometimes he comes off as the type of person to say "I don't want to do that, so I'm not gonna". Overall, it's not the worst personality as I've seen. Just gotta get to know him I suppose.

Trevor and I were chatting about various things.  I talked about a few things that happened when I was a security guard at a night club in hollywood. He talked about some girl he was screwing that was a "log".  Told him it might as well been a corpse.  Overall, I learned a few interesting things about Trevor that I normally wouldn't of known.  For instance, he just turned 21.  He looks mid-20's at least.  He is single. And he was celebate until he was 20 years old.  I thought it was strange as he came off to me like the type of person that acts like a sailor. "A girl in every port" kind of way.  I was able to make him laugh a lot tonight. Up until tonight, I had never really spoken to him...yet we worked together for a while.  Guess closing time gives you almost a "one-on-one" type thing. You learn more about a person that way. It helps when you don't have any managers around to breathe down your neck...perhaps thats why.  Combination of sorts.

You never really know someone until you actually get to laugh and joke around with them. Being perverted helps as well. Eases the tention and stress and it always makes people smile. Guess I'm good at that. However, I believe Trent is a virgin. While Trevor and I were making dirty jokes and talking about the bad lays we've had, Trent was silent. "Ah ha! A clue, Sherlock". He also claims to have a girlfriend...whom I just found out is a virgin. He talks about her, but never mentions her name.  Makes me wonder if he even has a girlfriend. Maybe a lie to hide the truth? Try to fit in? Maybe an online dating thing? Certainly not my cup of tea.